Beauty

This past Shabbat we read from Parashat Naso. In the portion there are laws detailing the custom of a Nazarite, an Israelite who takes on specific vows. For example, a Nazarite abstains from cutting his hair, and it is this particular vow that stood out for me. In contrast to the Nazir, I’ve been preparing to loose my hair.

For the kids, this has been a touch point of concern and angst. Initially, I was neutral about the whole reality. It’s only hair. But now, as more hair falls, I realize there resides within me complex emotions. Over time, I’ve come to love my curly hair. As a child, my hair was often an unruly frizz ball and I longed for straight hair that would effortlessly blow in the wind. It wasn’t until later that I learned to style and care for curly hair. I still have my moments of exasperation in the Dallas humidity, or when I’m overdue for a cut, but on the whole, it’s become part of my identity. Part of how I feel beautiful.

And then…I remember the people I’ve known with alopecia, or who have lost hair due to cancer treatment. Their beauty shines so vibrantly in my mind’s eye. And then…I remember the aspect of Tiferet in Jewish mystical tradition, which we can translate as “beauty”, however, it is so much more than physical appearance. Tiferet is the way we balance, the way we discover harmony, between our compassion and our judgement. Whatever I will look like in the coming months, how can I bring greater compassion and less judgement to my outward appearance? How can I, perhaps, embrace this as an opportunity to expand my sense of inner and outer beauty, all one in God’s eyes?

I am reminded of a picture my grandfather took, now almost 40 years ago. I can still remember the smell of the ocean air, the warmth of the California sun, the delight in exploring their La Jolla backyard and patio with it’s treasures. Balancing on a ball, my expression shows both delight and some trepidation that I might fall. But the love keeps me steady. The miracle that we are here at all holds the mind, body and soul in balance. The wonder and hope of what is yet to come is a kind of beauty, more precious than any strand of hair.