Details

When the Israelites received Torah at Sinai, a moment we will celebrate this Thursday evening and Friday with the holiday of Shavuot, the gift of Torah included everything—the prose and poetry, the minutia descriptions, and the seemingly mundane details.

It occurred to me today that I haven’t included in any of my reflections the details of my diagnosis. It was clear to me from the start I wanted to bring you—friends, family and community—with me in some way because all y’all (as we say in TX) continue to be an extraordinary source of spiritual energy and because writing is a source of healing for my heart and mind. Less clear—when I would have the inclination to share details. So in celebration of the full scope of what Torah means in our lives, I am ready to share a few more details. This is also my way to acknowledge that worry might grow when specifics aren’t part of an evolving story, and my prayer that perhaps in sharing, in whatever way each of us may feel comfortable doing so, other’s may learn, as I have from the countless women and men who have been on similar pathways before me.

Breast cancer runs in my family, on both sides. I am not a BRCA carrier, however, a year or two after the twins were born (so about 7 years ago), I started having yearly 3D-mammograms. Often after mammograms, I would go to have a follow up sonogram, all occurring on my left side, and the cysts would come back as normal. They would come and go. I continued having 3D-mammograms through Covid and just last summer, felt a small lump on my right side but the 3D-mammogram came back normal so I figured it would go away. Well, with super dense breast tissue, it isn’t uncommon for mammograms to miss things.

It didn’t go away, and thank goodness, I eventually called a wonderful breast specialist, my doctor, and asked to have another 3D-mammogram and this time with a follow up sonogram. By March 3rd, we discovered that I had invasive ductal carcinoma. After all the imaging and a double mastectomy, my diagnosis is Stage IIa, with the cancer contained in the right breast (no metastasis detected). I do however, have Grade 3, which means fast growing cancer, hence a regimen of chemo required to hopefully clear out any traces of potential micrometastasis. I am ER+ and PR+ (estrogen and progesterone positive), HER2 negative, so I will be taking hormone therapy to help block any future growth. Due to the fact the margins weren’t able to be fully cleared with surgery (cancer cells still in the remaining skin left for reconstruction), I will have targeted radiation to that area after chemo.

There are so many terms that were mysteries to me and countless details I couldn’t make sense of in the initial period of diagnosis. Now, a bit more has settled into these specifics—awe that we have the means and scope to medically discover so much, while there are still always limits to our human endeavors; gratitude that excellent research and support is available for those of us with breast cancer and hope that this will continue for all, facing any kind of cancer; deeper awareness of the fragility of life and the fierce advocates we can be through mind/body attunement, seeking support and asking questions.

Amidst the details, may we all find our own Torah unfolding.